Writing Paragraphs - Learning Hub, Teesside University

A Badly-Built Paragraph

Here's an example of a paragraph which doesn't flow clearly or convincingly. It's about the same topic as the well-built paragraph, the Russian Revolution of 1917.

(1) All great revolutions have had international effects. (2) Lenin, the leader of the Russian Revolution, had been a revolutionary for several years when the Russian Revolution broke out in 1917. (3) He had lived in exile for many years before he returned to Russia. (4) Russia was in turmoil. (5) Her army was being defeated in the First World War, and there was general opposition to the Tsarist government. (6) Poverty, brutal government actions and the bad influence of the Tsarina and her advisor Rasputin were all causes of discontent. (7) The Russian Revolution had effects on the whole of Europe, by removing Russia from the War, and by threatening to spread Communist ideas to other countries.

Every statement in this paragraph is true, but that isn't the point. The paragraph is difficult to read because it isn't well built. Why not?

The first sentence makes a general statement, but it's hard to see how the other sentences relate to the general statement. The first sentence is about 'international effects', but then we get a statement about Lenin. This is a new topic, and should be in a different paragraph. After that we get yet another new topic, the state of Russia immediately before the Revolution. By the end of the paragraph, we get back to the idea of international effects, but only about the Russian Revolution. In short, this paragraph can't make up its mind what it's about. It reads as if the writer of it is just desperately trying to put down everything they can think of about the Russian Revolution. As a result, even though this paragraph consists entirely of true statements, it reads as if the writer doesn't understand what they are writing about.

Because the sentences don't seem to relate clearly to each other, anyone reading this paragraph has to work quite hard to figure out what it's about. Is it about 'international effects' because Lenin lived abroad? Or is it about 'international effects' because Russia made peace with Germany after the Revolution? Or is it about the fact that Communism was expected to spread to other countries as well as Russia? Your guess is as good as mine.

	Topic and Development Paragraphs